Bronlow (very decently) I am terribly sorry for what has befallen you, but I assure you that you do owe me this money.

McNaughten I can see very clearly that reason has taken leave of you.

Bronlow Sir, try to recall those uniforms I supplied you with.

McNaughten Uniforms to me! Go collect your imaginary bills elsewhere. I haven't the time to listen to your nonsense. You are an old fool.

Bronlow I am a clothes merchant. My name is Bronlow incorporated, and I am a churchwarden. If you've lost your memory, the articles are listed in the bill of sale, which if you would kindly read, will inform you-- (Presenting a bill of sale to McNaughten)

McNaughten (tearing it up and throwing the pieces in Bronlow's face) Here, take your foolish bill of sale! I've done with it.

Spruce (to Bronlow, who is horrified) Oh, sir, against a madman, it is useless to contend.

Bronlow (gathering up the pieces) To tear up a bill of sale; to throw it in my face. You are a cheater!

McNaughten (ready to attack Bronlow) Me? A cheater?

Spruce (putting himself between them) Gentlemen--please--

Bronlow I will show you.

Spruce (to Bronlow) Not so much noise. Consider the state to which he has been reduced.

Bronlow To tear up a receipt!

Spruce Not such a big thing.

Bronlow It's a frightful crime--worthy of transportation.

McNaughten Let me pull his ears!

Spruce Leave him alone. What would you do to a poor churchwarden? (To Bronlow) If you argue any more something terrible may happen.

Bronlow I want to be paid. I don't give a damn about the rest.

Spruce (to Bronlow) Leave, sir, leave. Do you want to rekindle the flames in his overheated mind with your screaming?

Bronlow Very well--I will leave. But before an hour has passed, I am going to make him change his tune. Your humble servant.

(Exit Mr. Bronlow)

Spruce What's the use of getting irritated by a madman?

McNaughten What? Does he seek me out to be the butt of his impertinences? Let him take his extravagances down another road. Let's go to Mr. Torrington without waiting any further.

Spruce Presently sir, now it would be a wasted effort. He isn't home, but he'll be back soon. In a little while, I'll return and take you to see him. A certain pressing duty calls me away suddenly.

McNaughten I will wait for you. Go, but don't delay. I need to calm down. I begin to believe everyone in this city is crazy. Of all the people I've met today, I've only found one. besides myself, who is reasonable, and that's you.

(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)

Spruce I intend to inspect everything. Let's see. The fish himself is in our net. Everything is going according to plan. Today, I serve two gods-- Fortune and Cupid. I hope to make myself useful!

BLACKOUT

Scene II. The same, a short while later. Spruce is standing in front of the hotel.

Spruce I've been watching this door, and no one has come out. My master has had time to get his money and run. And I, diligent accomplice that I am, wait here to make sure that the brother doesn't spoil things by running to Torrington and discovering this mystery. Already, a creditor has embarrassed me. It's laughable to think all that's happened. I've put things into the hands of a man with an ardent imagination. God, if McNaughten were a bit less headstrong and argumentative, he'd have seen through it all by now. Thank Heaven for passionate people. But I see Jenny coming. My amorous heart ignites with new flames in her presence.

(Enter Jenny)

Jenny I am come to look for your master.

Spruce While waiting for him to come, permit my love to entertain you. Let me sacrifice my heart at the altar of your matchless charms.

Jenny Take your sacrifices elsewhere, and never trouble yourself to speak to me again! Your master has treated me with disrespect, and I am going to be avenged on you for it. To call me a creature!

Spruce But, is that my fault?

Jenny (implacably) You are his valet!

Spruce Ha, don't pay attention to him. Sometimes, he's like that. Hard and brutal as a dog.

Jenny My ears are still ringing from his villainous words, and, my lady is so scandalized that she is breaking with him, forever, even though it breaks her poor heart. I am sent to collect her portrait and all her letters.

Spruce It's useless to keep the letters, but as to the portrait--the frame is made of gold and studded with diamonds. It's my considered opinion, that he should not part with the portrait,--it's too precious to give back--from sentiment, of course. The two are not the same. We can pawn it, if the need for money drives us to extremities, my child.

Jenny Why make such a big fuss over a portrait.

Spruce Because, we were in big trouble not long ago. Once burned, twice shy. Fortunately, an uncle--a very honest man, has helped us out, by voluntarily descending to the underworld quicker than we could say his name. He has saved us in a very timely fashion, by making us heirs to sixty thousand pounds.

Jenny Ah, Heavens, so that's it!

Spruce I tell you the truth.

Jenny So--in such a short time, you've become rich.

Spruce Right! We've received the sad, but happy, news of his death and the princely bequest, and have got our money in less time than it takes to tell you of it. My master is devilishly close to success.

Jenny Oh, I don't doubt it.

Spruce Judge for yourself. You see, he would have done a very foolish thing to remain faithful to your lady under the circumstances. One must trim one's sail to the wind.

Jenny The world is full of lovers like that.

Spruce Following his example, I am quitting the shop girls and the scullery maids. My love wishes to rise to hearts of a higher rank. I will take proud flight and rise to the peaks. The money will pass through my trusty hands, and, fortunately, they're sticky. I believe I will throw myself into business.

Jenny You are going into business? You!

Spruce Before two years have passed, watch me go by in a magnificent chaise--